december, 2020


dreamt i was house sitting for kristin, i don't know how i know this, but it was the first house i ever lived in in san lorenzo, california. the house had ugly grey shag carpet, and a garage with a busted door. it only closed part of the way, and where the bottom of it should have been it looked like it had been torn off. while i was house sitting, someone i knew came over. we started out very normal, like friends, but then it became more than that, but still innocent...sweet. my legs were draped over the arm of a couch that was the color of sand right before sunset, a kind of orange, brown, red color. my head was in his lap while he sat up, and i was drifting in and out of sleep. it felt safe, and warm, in a way it really once had in real life. as i was starting to fall asleep for real, and got the sense that he was also falling asleep, he suddenly shifted. he told me, "I have to go, this isn't right." and he got up, slid me off his lap, and went out the front door to leave. he unlocked his bike from a street sign in front of the house, the bike was black and had fenders on it. i walked around the corner, away from the house to grab my bike, and i realized that he must have thought that i was leaving. i rounded the corner and saw him about to get on his bike, but stopped him. i told him to just wait for me, i had to grab my shit out of the house and lock all of the doors. i walked through the house and double checked all of the locks. i walked into the garage, saw some old exercise equipment, and went inside the house to lock the door. the guy i was with laughed at me for locking a door to a room that barely closed anyway. we left the house and biked through the streets, the streets becoming reno. we rode over the lake street bridge, talking and laughing the whole way. he told me they'd hired a new person at his job, and that he had to go into work. after he left, i ended up back at home (wherever that was) and annabelle was working on an art project that they needed help photographing, and I was helping them photograph it. The project was a bunch of abstract chess pieces and chess pieces that were made out of things that normally wouldn't be used to make chess pieces. They were displayed on top of sheets of white butcher paper and I kept having to find light sources to try and get the best light to photograph in it, but all the lights were like, night lights or string lights or light boxes.


dreamt i was trying to get dressed to go to a diner with annabelle and mable. every outfit i tried on was wrong. i wanted to wear a black and white shirt, but i couldn't figure out what skirt to put on with it. i was digging through my closet to try and find a skirt, and more and more clothes would appear. there was a sweater that was green and had pink designs on it that sachi had given me that i also wanted to wear, because i wanted to show it to annabelle and also because it's nice to wear your friends clothes. there was a skirt i tried to wear that was sky blue and had clouds painted on it, but it was also rhinestones in a really ugly way. i tried to pick the rhinestones off, but i noticed that pieces of the skirt would rip off with them, paperlike. it was then i realized the skirt was made of cardboard, and it folded out like something made for a super sturdy human sized paperdoll. i finally got dressed, i wore my black leather skirt and the black and white shirt, and we left the house. the world outside was dark and the sky was brown. we had to wait in line in order to get seated at the diner. someone i knew was making paper mache sea creatures for a movie that was going to be filmed.


dreamt i woke up in a car buried under snow. i pushed the rear window out on accident, and the snow fell through from the outside to the inside. i finally was able to kick the door open and there was snow everywhere. perfect mounds of white crystalline snow. i trudged through the snow and into a warehouse that people had been taking shelter in. there was a girl my age i can't remember who i talked to for a long time.


dreamt about a house being sold out from underneath us. we knew it was coming, and then it finally came. the house was my aunts house in new york, with the feeling of park place, set in chicago. i walked around and through the property one last time, photographing, memorializing, came to the other side of the house and found a through way to the lake that I'd never seen before. the sidewalks and land sloped down to where what should have been shore had been engulfed by water. waves came all the way up to where the sidewalk began. cerulean waters swept up and over and back again, tidal waves that everyone was content to let wash over them. i sat, and a man remarked, "the water has taken the sidewalks, just like how it used to be." we all got knocked around by the waves when i stopped paying attention to what was in front of me. it was then that the biggest wave swept over all of us and knocked me backwards, hitting my head and scraping it along the blacktop to finally have my head meet the feet of a small child. i lay there dazed, and she puts her hands around my face, holds her head above my head both of our faces in opposite directions and asks me, "are you okay?" i yelled at her then, because she had covid. i told her we both had to be quarantined. when we returned to the house, i changed out of my wet clothes, trying on many outfits but ultimately settling on a shirt that was the same brown-grey color as my pants, which meant i needed to change my pants. ... another part of the dream was saying goodbye. i went to a huge pool in a ceramic room full of windows that was lit by only the lights inside of the pool, making everything inside the room a dimly lit pale blue, with ripples reflecting everywhere and bouncing across the room. someone i used to know was there, and they were on their computer facetiming with their new partner, a girl. they had made plans for their girlfriends birthday, and were talking it through with their partner and their sister. i saw them at the pool and we talked for a second, everything was fine and cordial and i was excited to see them again and virtually meet their new partner. however, i fell into the pool. it was cold, i was wearing a heavy denim jacket, jeans, and sneakers. my first instinct was to undress, try and get as many layers off me as possible so i would stop sinking. i kicked off my shoes, struggled with my coat, trying to get to the surface of the pool so i could get a breath of air. my denim choked body struggled to the surface and i saw that person's sister above me, and i begged her to help me. she guided me to the edge of the pool and helped me along the edge until i got to the ladder, and got out of the pool. for some reason, she ended up charging me $312 for the help, a price i was determined to pay, although i wasn't quite sure how i'd pay it. i burst into tears, and left the pool through a long hallway. i checked my phone and saw that two people had purchased things from my bandcamp, one for $900 and another for $800. i felt dizzy. i immediately tried to find those people again so i could ask what the sister's venmo was.